Lingering Resentment

As my big day approaches, I feel excited but also scared. I also have some lingering resentment that seems to fester and I worry that they should be present just when our marriage is about to begin. 

Last night, I got upset at Chris over the state of the apartment - the mess, my desire for a clean home and my determination to clean it before we leave Thursday morning. 

Instead of responding in a supportive way, Chris gave his usual excuse. He's been so busy at work, he doesn't have time, it's not that bad, he'll take care of it. 

"When? I don't want to hear it unless you mean it."

Chris was tired but he helped me wash the dishes. 

Still I felt sad. And worst of all, I felt scared. 

One of the most selfless things I think I did was moving to DC, so that we can be together in the same city. I left a great job, an awesome career track, accepted a position that paid less than 50% of my base salary alone. 

I want to be the woman who can have it all--- the career, the family, the loving relationship. But instead, I felt that I was made to choose between career and relationship. 

Because Chris is so busy with his work and I care and love him, I don't want him to do any housework, especially if hes tired. But that just means the burden falls onto me. 

If I want a clean and beautiful home, I would need to do it. Essentially I am now doing the work of two people and it's hard, very hard. 

I think since Chris and I have been together, I've done more housework than I have ever done in my entire life. And still, our living space looks like a pigsty. 

My conclusion is that we just have too much stuff. But Chris loves stuff. He likes acquiring stuff. He loves receiving stuff. I don't want to be the nagging, criticizing wife that constantly nitpicks her husband, but more often than not, unless I complain about it, Chris doesn't clean automatically on his own. It's like he has an uncanny tolerance for dirtiness. I, on the hand, can't stand it. 

So what do I do? Since I can't walk away from this man (he IS the man of my dreams), I need to accept it. Can I accept his habits? His ways? My big day is in 3 days and I am worried. 

What I'm Worried About

Yep I am a worrier. I worry too much. Even when there is nothing to worry about, I find something to worry. Today, I'm thinking about the many things that I could potentially go wrong at my wedding and the days leading up to it. I thought I'd list them here, so that I can report back later and see just how wrong I have been (maybe...hopefully):

1. Forget to pack some major important item, i.e. wedding bands. ==> MAJOR FREAK OUT
2. Some freak snowstorm happens and all the flights get canceled. 
3. It rains really hard on the day of the wedding and Chris (my fiance) gets grumpy.
4. Some work stuff blows up and Chris is glued to his "Berry" (work phone) and miss watching me walk down the aisle. 
5. Some mix up happens at the church and we can't have the rehearsal as planned. And my parents freak out and start yelling at me for being so disorganized. (Note: I have a wedding planner).
6. My future MIL makes a snippy comment at me and ruins my night.
7. One of our bridal party--groomsman or bridesmaid--drops out last minute.
8. I cannot fit in my wedding gown.
9. The photographers don't take pretty photos of me. 
10. Someone gets drunk at the reception and makes a scene. 
11. My cake (3 tiers) looks too small in the middle of the room and everyone makes fun of me. 
12. Chris and I forget the dance moves to our First Dance and he drops me on the dip.
13. The dance floor is empty and people leave early.
14. Some hidden fees pop up at the end of the night and I get stuck writing a huge check.
15. Some one raids our gift table and we lose some things.
16. Too many empty seats due to last minute guest dropouts.
17. I get back to work on Tuesday (after the weekend) and I find out that I no longer have a job. 

Thank goodness I have God.